Jeff Schultz

This AJC sports blogger takes things seriously when he has to, but he really would rather not

Predictions: Dogs, Jackets cross bridge, Falcons back to normal


Before breaking down this week's game and the return of Todd Gurley, assuming he is over his writer's cramp, we have an important update: Cobb County wants to tax your feet.

This isn't necessarily the worst thing. In Ancient Egypt, they taxed cooking oil, which also had to be purchased from the Pharaoh (Cobb Commissioner Tim Lee's great uncle), and re-using the oil was prohibited, punishable by death or playing outside linebacker for the Falcons. In Russia, Peter the "Great" placed a tax on beards, probably because he couldn't grow one. In England, they taxed everything, including windows, fireplaces and playing cards (no, seriously), which led to a Monty Python skit, "Tax on Thingy," which was code word for "relations" between two people, although I can't speak for the Cobb Commission.

Hey, Tim Lee. Would this bridge suffice?

Meanwhile, back to the People's Republic of Cobb. They've got this plan to build a pedestrian bridge that runs from the Braves' new home, NoTrust Park, across Interstate-285, to the nearest parking lot, which I believe is in Augusta. In a rare bit of transparency, Commissioner Pinocchio now concedes he was incorrect when he said (lied) that the bridge (flying carpet) was included in the stadium budget (fantasy), and so county taxpayers (mow my lawn) will have to pick up half the cost of it.

Also, nobody knows how much it will cost, but Lee assures residents there is a chance for a Kroger Plus discount, as well as another five percent senior citizens' discount on materials if some of you self-absorbed Marietta retirees will get of your carcass and buy the materials on a Wednesday.

The good news: The bridge changes colors, from red to blue, just like Lee's face as he holds his breath.

Where was I?

Oh yes, Georgia. Gurley is back. Not sure if he'll claim autograph income on his taxes but there are bigger issues right now: If the Dogs beat Auburn, they will still have a decent shot to win the SEC East. Both of these teams can run, both can score. Both have had hiccups on defense. The Tigers were ranked No. 3 a week ago. Problem: They could lose their final three SEC games: Texas A&M, Georgia, Alabama.

A bridge for Georgia: Dogs win and cover 2½.

Back To School

Clemson at Tech: Georgia Tech hasn't played a ranked team all season but finishes against No. 19 Clemson and No. 15 Georgia. Consecutive one-sided wins over Pittsburgh, Virginia and North Carolina State (two on the road) have been impressive. OK, I'll leap. But why do I feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy's holding the football? Take the 3 but Jackets pull an upset.

The decision to trust Tech

Miss State at Alabama: Dan Mullen on Alabama: "(They) probably have more 5-star players sitting on the bench that can't get a rep on their team than we have on our roster." I think he just said, "That blowhard Nick Saban couldn't 9-0 with my players. Excuse me, the moving van just got here." Order restored: Tide covers 8½.

FSU at Miami: Jimbo Fisher is upset because the Seminoles were dropped in the playoff rankings for unimpressive wins: "I thought the name of the game was winning," he said. Jimbo: Unranked Marshall (9-0) is on line two. Seminoles cover 1½.

So who's consoling who? (Gatorzone.com)

South Carolina at Florida: "Hey, Spurrier. I've got a better record than you. Hah!"--Will Muschamp. Gators cover 6½.

LSU at Arkansas: I wonder how Les Miles feels about LSU being an underdog to an opponent that has lost 17 straight SEC games? Ah, the Petrino afterglow. But the Piggies have been keeping things close, So what the oink: Arkansas covers 2.

Kentucky at Tennessee: Kentucky can become bowl eligible. Tennessee can't. OK, I can scratch that sentence off my bucket list. However: Vols cover 8.

Leatherheads

Falcons at Carolina: The Falcons are 2-0 against Tampa Bay, 1-6 against everybody else. Since early last season, they’re 3-1 against Tampa Bay, 3-17 against everybody else. Until further notice, I'm partial to everybody else. Panthers cover 1½.

When the Falcons play the Bucs

Eagles at Packers: Mark Sanchez threw 69 interceptions when he was a Jet, two short of having a pox named after him. But in two games with the Eagles, has four touchdowns, two interceptions, a 9.1-yard pass-per-attempt average and a 97.7 efficiency rating, which should be good enough to knock the chip off the shoulder of every Philadelphia resident. Packers win but take Philly and 5½.

Vikings at Bears: They were burning Jay Cutler's jersey in Chicago. But he shouldn't feel too bad. They still can't find Mike Tomczak's body. Bears win and cover 3.

Bengals at Saints: I know quarterbacks take the brunt of criticism when it's often the team around them that stinks, but has anybody else noticed that Drew Brees' 10 interceptions are only two fewer than he had all of last season? Not that mediocrity hurts you in the NFC South. Saints cover 7.

Patriots at Colts: Tom Brady on Andrew Luck: "He does a lot of things I wish I could." I always like it when a three-time Super Bowl quarterback married to a supermodel plays the sympathy card. On principle: Colts cover 3.

 Dollars and sense

It can go one of two ways.

Last week: I don’t want to talk about it.

Poopy Year To Date: 96-39 straight up, 60-75 against the line.

Lock of the week: Latch.

Sack Schultz Update: Current leaders are (screen names) Harder5 from Tennessee at 127-38 and BullDawg13 of Georgia at 126-39, but it’s still pretty wide open with a few weeks left. Congrats to David Moore of Seneca, S.C., who went 14-1 last week.

Lilly’s pick: Ready for this? Lilly (7-4) went against her species, picking the cheese'd picture of "Aubie" the Tiger over Uga.

Lilly shockingly goes against her species. (W.P. Glamour Shots)


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About the Author

Jeff Schultz is a general sports columnist and blogger who isn't afraid to share his opinion, which may not necessarily jibe with yours.